Bilbo's Misadventures: Thorins Birthday Bash
by VashandNaomiForever
Summary: "Fili, Kili, under no circumstances are you allowed to tell Bilbo about my upcoming birthday. That eccentric hobbit would make this mountain a party palace and I've no desire for such silliness!" Thorin warns his kin. Secrets never last long in this mountain! Find out what mayhem happens this time!


"Fili, Kili, under no circumstances are you allowed to tell Bilbo about my upcoming birthday. That eccentric hobbit would make this mountain a party palace and I've no desire for such silliness!" He warned the listening nephews, pacing in front of them back and forth like a Sargent to his troops. "And I've already talked to Balin, he knows not to mention anything in front of Bilbo. The other dwarfs don't know the precise date and I've not an inclination to tell them it either. So my main concern here is of you two. I know you trust master Baggins and enjoy telling him personal things, but you've no right to tell him my birthdate. It's my business and I intend to keep it that way, do I make myself clear?"

"Uncle, why are you so against a party?" Kili questioned the king, making the other grind his teeth in frustration.

"Because, Kili, things get out of hand or just become crazy with that one involved!" Thorin hissed out his words.

"But what if he's been making you a gift?" Fili piped in, Thorin frowning now at both intrusive dwarfs.

"I don't care, I'm a big dwarf, I don't need a silly gift." He said huffily.

"Everyone likes gifts, uncle!" Kili argued, Thorin taking his right palm and covering his face in exasperation.

"You just don't get it, all I want is to go about my day and not worry about some surprise popping out to greet me and annoying me in the long run anyway!" Growled out the king.

"You're so grumpy, uncle." Fili remarked, "Has master Baggins done something recently to bother you?"

"I'm done talking to you both, heed my words. You'll be sorry if you don't." He walked away abruptly, finished with their futile conversation.

-0-0-

"Bilbo, guess what? I know a secret!" Kili teased the busily crocheting hobbit.

"Quite?" He said simply, continuing on word with his hobby.

"Don't you want to know what it is?"

"Well, it wouldn't be a secret then, now would it?" Bilbo commented, making the young dwarf frown lightly.

"You're not even gonna guess?" He inquired, wanting the hobbit to ask.

"Is it a secret about the mountain?"

"No, try again."

"Is it a secret about someone living in the mountain?"

"Possibly, but who?"

"Does he have a beard?"

"We all do, silly!"

"Not you, you've got mostly stubble."

"It counts!"

"Fine, is it a dwarf with anger issues?"

"Truly, we all have our own anger problems."

"Is it your uncle?"

"Maybe..."

"Oh, come off it, Kili! You're such an ass! Why let me guess if you're not going to tell me?"

"Cause it's fun!"

"I see. So what kind of secret is Thorin hiding?"

"I've been sworn to secrecy." Kili did an imitation of locking his mouth with a key.

"Then why bring it up?" Bilbo tisked, feeling miffed at the teasing youth.

"Whatcha making?" Kili changed the subject, eyeing the curious thing being crafted by Bilbo.

"It's a tunic, if you must know." He informed the other. "I'm making it for a friend."

"Oh, a friend, huh?" Kili smirked, eyeing the hobbit with amusement.

"It's for my uncle, isn't it Bilbo?"

"That's my little secret." Bilbo stuck out his tongue playfully at the chuckling dwarf, two could play his game.

-0-0-

"Balin, does Thorin have a secret he's hiding? Kili was teasing me the other day and I wanted to ask you if there was something truly going on."

"I haven't the foggiest, master Baggins. Thorin keeps his secrets to himself. You'd be better off just letting sleeping dogs lay, Bilbo. Thorins not one to just open up about private matters." Balin tried persuading the curious little hobbit.

"I've at least got to try, no harm in asking a simple question or two." Bilbo smiled to himself as he set out to go locate the roaming king.

"Not good..." Balin whispered to himself as he watched the hobbit leave. Thorin was going to get moody, and all the dwarfs would be dealing with his pissed off attitude. Gandalf save them from Thorins temper tantrums!

-0-0-

Thorin was on the balcony, enjoying the sunset in his quiet solitude when master Baggins entered. Thorins personal space felt violated almost immediately when Bilbo walked up to him, the fishing disaster still fresh in his mind.

"Pretty sunset." Bilbo commented.

"It was." Thorin responded rudely, Bilbo tisking at the unkind remark.

"Going to be grumpy already, I see." He spoke sassily to the stone faced dwarf.

"Depends on what nonsense pops out of your mouth this time." He grunted to Bilbo defensively.

"I only came out here to ask if you had something going on that you wanted to talk about. Something private?"

"Those little cheeky devils, they told you, didn't they?!" Thorin burst out suddenly, Bilbo rolling with it.

"You could have just told me." The hobbit put on an act, getting Thorin to talk more.

"I warned them! Now listen here, hobbit, and listen well! I'll not be having any type of birthday party and that's final! Keep your cake and your gifts, I want nothing of it!"

Aha! So Thorin was having a birthday soon? That was an exciting tidbit of information! Dash his no party attitude, the dwarf just didn't know what was good for him!

"On my honor, Thorin, I'll not meddle at all in your affairs." He pretended to promise, watching Thorin eye him doubtfully.

"I'll believe it when I see it, Bilbo."

-0-0-

Bilbo had recruited the nephews; Fili and Kili, along with Bofur and Ori to make Project Surprise Thorin a success. These were the reputable dwarfs among the mountain Bilbo trusted to aid him while not confiding in Thorin what was really going on. Ori was the most energetic and artsy one of the group, coming up with ideas for a large banner they could make and colorful decoration ideas they could use in the mountains dining area where they'd be throwing the surprise party.

Bofur was adamant about making party hats for everyone. He also wanted to handle the music end of the party, saying he could come up with a new, fun tune to play for the guest of honor. Bilbo was more than willing to let him have at it, enjoying the dwarfs musically ability.

Fili and Kili would help with anything Bilbo needed, basically the hobbits personal assistants. He'd ask for items and they'd fetch them as quickly as they could.

Bilbo was finishing up the gift he'd been making for his friend, the tunic now had a comfortable hood attached to it, and he was currently attaching something extra and interesting to the hood. Bilbo thought it'd be fun to make ears for the hood, not silly ones but ears that resembled a wolfs. Kind of a lone wolf symbolism for the mighty king under the mountain.

"Do you think it's going to fit uncle?" Kili had asked, watching the hobbit crochet the ears.

"Well, we can try it on you and make sure it's big enough." Bilbo commented, pausing his work to place the tunic against Kili's frame. He knew Kili was a bit slimmer than Thorin, so he could adjust it a bit more if it was too small.

The tunic appeared to be about the right size, Bilbo had the willing nephew actually try on the outfit and was glad to see it a little big on the fellow, meaning it'd probably fit Thorin just right.

"Why the ears?" Kili asked of the other, slipping out of the baggy tunic.

"Just something a little out of the ordinary. Thought he'd find it interesting and unique." To this Kili kept him mouth shut, thinking privately to himself that uncle was not really into "unique" things, let alone apparel. It was the thought that counted, after all. Surly uncle would realize that about the different type of gift Bilbo would give to him.

-0-0-

On the morning of his birthday, everything was auspiciously quiet throughout the mountain home. Thorin never passed a soul along the many halls, making him edgy as he walked around his palace.

He thought that maybe he'd grab a quick roll for breakfast, and decided to head towards the kitchen. To his surprise, two dwarfs were acting as if guarding the door into the place they made their meals. With a raised brow he began asking what was going on.

"It's Bombur, he's decided to reorganize everything in there and it's a complete mess until he's finished. Maybe, you could stop by Dale and eat some breakfast until he's done." The dwarf offered his explanation and two cents, Thorin shrugging and turning away to go forage food elsewhere.

In reality, Bombur had offered to help Ori make a cake for the kings birthday. Bombur would do the major baking while Ori would help decorate and write the birthday dwarfs name on it. Being the day of his majesty's birthday, other dwarfs were involved in helping distract Thorin in case he tried poking his nose in places that weren't ready for him yet.

The baking dwarfs had taken some advice from Fili and Kili, and decided against making the cake chocolate. The dwarf king didn't need to be upset on his special day, they'd make a yellow cake instead, with vanilla frosting. Thorin would certainly have no qualms against this cake!

Master Baggins was busying himself in the dining area, setting up the banner Ori had painted that said "Happy Birthday Thorin". He was also using colorful materials as streamers, hanging them over lamps and anything else hanging along the walls and ceiling. It was going to be brilliant, this party! He already had his gift wrapped and hidden until it was time to place it on the main table. Bilbo was anticipating the look of joy in Thorins face as he unwrapped the special gift.

-0-0-

Throughout the day, Thorin felt that the few dwarfs he ran into were trying to distract him. Sending him off to check on silly matters like making sure the ponies were alright in the stables, seeing to how much forage was left for the other livestock living near the mountain. It was disconcerting, wondering why the dwarfs were sending him out of the mountain, what misdeeds or mischief they all might be up to.

It was late afternoon by the time Thorin wandered back to his home, tired and moody. His steps passed by not a soul as he entered the mountain, his eyes searching every corner for a sign of his kind.

"Uncle Thorin, Uncle Thorin!" Voices called from behind him, the king turning quickly to see his nephews worried faces.

"There's been an accident, and we need your help!" Fili spoke urgently, Kili nodding his head in agreement.

"Is it Bilbo, is he in trouble?" Thorin asked worriedly, beginning to follow his nephews towards the closed doors of the dining area. The hobbit got into bad situations very easily, and Thorin was worried his friend might be hurt.

"Just hurry Uncle!" The nephews would answer him only in that way, the two dwarfs opening the big doors and letting the king enter first.

A loud "Surprise" was yelled by multiple voices as the king looked wide eyed at the scene before him. Brightly colored materials were draped along the walls and ceiling, a big banner with the words "Happy Birthday Thorin" was placed in front of the long table that everyone was standing behind. The table had a giant cake on it, with presents placed everywhere around the baked good.

Thorin felt sick, watching all those happy faces smiling and laughing, making him feel insecure. Who in Middle Earth had thought this large get together was a bright idea? He'd chop of their head and feed it to the nearest monster lurking in the shadows! Bilbo came around the table and started for the speechless king, his eyes bright with excitement. Well, at least he wasn't hurt, those nephews had thoroughly tricked him! They'd get an earful after all this party nonsense was done and over with, he'd get a few smacks in while he was at it.

All this negative stuff was going through Thorins mind as Bilbo reached him, his little hand reaching out to take the king's balled up fist.

"Alright there, Thorin?" His voice broke through the dwarfs angry thoughts and he looked at the hobbit with indifference.

"I hate surprises, Bilbo." He informed the smiling hobbit.

"Oh, pish posh! It's a party, Thorin. What's a party without a few surprises, eh?" He began leading the birthday dwarf over to the gathered dwarfs and his birthday cake.

"I'm too old for birthday parties." He said with a sour face.

"Not at all! I think you're never too old for a birthday party." Bilbo spoke his opinion to the unimpressed dwarf. "Go on and open up a few presents, it'll cheer you up." He handed the dwarf a brightly wrapped gift.

Thorin sighed, sitting in a chair and looking at the present wearily. With careful fingers he worked at the wrapping half heartedly, his hands feeling a soft material against his skin. Gingerly the dwarf lifted up the unwrapped gift, his eyes taking in a hooded tunic with strange things attached to the hood.

"Go on, try it on." Bilbo got pushy, trying to help move the cloth over the dwarf's arms and head.

"Bilbo, really!" The king complained, not appreciating having a hobbit dress him.

"It's almost on!" Bilbo promised, tugging on the ends of the tunic, it was actually a little tight of the dwarf, Bilbo supposed that Thorin had gained a few extra pounds lately.

"Suck it in!" He urged the dwarf as Thorins body was flopped around like a rag-doll as Bilbo shoved his friend into the tight fitting tunic.

"There." Bilbo said with satisfaction, looking at the dwarf happily.

Thorin looked like a grown man wearing his toddler child's clothing, the tunic was way too tight. His hood was flopped down over his frowning head, the ears on it had meant to be wolf like, but they turned out looking like flopping rabbit ears.

"Look, Uncle's a rabbit!" Fili chuckled at the embarrassed dwarf.

"No, Bilbo said it was a wolf, Fili." Kili informed the other, thought truthfully it was more rabbit like.

"Enough! Get this off, Bilbo." Thorin barked, standing and attempting to take it off himself. His arms move around stiffly, and when he flexed, a loud ripping sound was heard. The king paused, everyone was gravely silent.

"You tore it!" Bilbo suddenly wailed in outrage, every dwarf started laughing unbecomingly at the goofy looking Thorin.

"Damn it, Bilbo!" The king growled, tearing the tunic more until it was off his body completely.

"I can't believe you ripped it!" Bilbo whined to the flustered Thorin.

"I can't believe you gave me rabbit ears."

"Wolf, they were wolf ears!" Bilbo pouted, his anger rising at the sight of his torn gift he'd worked so hard on!

"I told you I didn't want a big fuss over my birthday, serves you right that the thing ripped." Thorin sassed, Bilbo took a hand and balled it into a fist.

"If you weren't so plump, it would have never torn!" He harassed the other, Thorin eyeing the hobbit with a death glare.

"Fat am I?" He growled out, "Then if I'm so heavy, I guess I won't eat any of your stupid cake then!" He spat out his words in anger.

"Oh no, by all means, eat up!" Bilbo took his hand and shoveled a chunk of cake into it, and very quickly he slammed it into the mean spirited dwarfs face.

All Hell broke loose after that, dwarfs started tossing gifts and cake everywhere in the dining area, Thorin had reached out a meaty hand and shoved his hobbit friend face first into the main piece of the birthday cake. Slamming Bilbos head into it over and over again, laughing crazily while doing it. Birthdays were never an enjoyable thing for Thorin, but he sure enjoyed having the opportunity to give Bilbo a thorough ass whooping. Maybe next time the hobbit would listen instead of ignoring every word he said. Time would tell...

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: A longer story, this time. Thorin can never seem to win with Bilbo, but hey, at least he let off some steam bashing the hobbit head first into his birthday cake. Bilbo will have a chip on his shoulder for a while after this event. Thanks for favoriting/reading/reviewing my many stories! Glad they make you laugh!


End file.
